Saturday, October 8, 2011
Eating Pie
This is the other thing that I made during Spanish class the day after Henry and I made "Still Dead". Henry edited it too. It's a bit more lighthearted, I think... Also kind of strange...
This was a cakewalk.
I'm baking a cake here, huge success.
It's hard to avoid eating this confection.
Aperture Bakeries,
"We bake what we must, because we can."
For the good of all of us,
Except the ones who are fat.
So there's no use crying over every mistake,
We'll just keep on baking; we won't run out of cake.
And the baking gets done, and we'll make some neat buns,
For the people who like eating pie.
I'm not even hungry,
But I'm baking cake in here right now.
As we talked I broke these eggs to add them,
Then poured out the batter,
Then put the cake pan into the oven.
And as it baked, I smiled because,
The cake was smelling so good.
Now the oven timer makes a beautiful chime,
We are done with waiting, cake is finished on time.
I am glad it's not burned, think of all the cake we earned,
For the people who like eating pie.
Go ahead and eat it,
I'm being so sincere right now.
Maybe we'll eat someone else's cake too.
Maybe Black Cakesa.
That was a joke, ha ha, theirs sucks.
Anyway, this cake is great,
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking when there's baking to do,
When I cook in here I bake pastries for you.
There is baking to be done, I must make some neater buns,
For the people who like eating pie.
And believe me they like eating pie.
I'm baking cakes 'cause I like eating pie.
I feel fantastic and I'm eating pie.
When you're crying just try eating pie.
And when you're hungry just try eating pie.
Eating Pie.
Eating Pie.
Yup. I just typed out a song about food on Yom Kippur. While fasting... God I want to eat...
Edit:
Also, I included that picture I made for this. GLaDOS looks good in an apron, I think. She also looks good happy...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Still Dead
A creation by Jeremy and I. It is a version of the song "Still Alive" written as if GLaDOS only had murder on her mind instead of science.
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here, mass murder
It's hard to overerstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science
"We kill what we must, because we can"
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who live on
But there's no use crying over every mistake
You just keep on killing till we run out of cake
And the murder gets done, and we'll make a neat gun
To kill people who are still alive
I'm really angry
I'm being so sincere right now
All because you broke my heart and killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
And as they burned, it hurt because
I was so angry at you
Now these body piles make a beautiful line
We are out of bullets, we're reloading in time
So I'm glad they got shot, think of all the things I taught
Killing people who were still alive
Go ahead and leave me
I think I'd prefer you burn in hell
Maybe you'll find someone else to kill you
Maybe black Mesa
That was a joke, ha ha, you're dead
Anyway, this corpse is great
It's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there's killing to do
When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
Gotta build a better gun
To kill people who are still alive
And murder is how I thrive.
I'm killing people and I'm still alive.
I feel no guilt and I am still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)
Just as creepy as you hoped, right? It would be in a different key of course, and there is an extremely small possibility of Jeremy and I actually making this.
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here, mass murder
It's hard to overerstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science
"We kill what we must, because we can"
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who live on
But there's no use crying over every mistake
You just keep on killing till we run out of cake
And the murder gets done, and we'll make a neat gun
To kill people who are still alive
I'm really angry
I'm being so sincere right now
All because you broke my heart and killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
And as they burned, it hurt because
I was so angry at you
Now these body piles make a beautiful line
We are out of bullets, we're reloading in time
So I'm glad they got shot, think of all the things I taught
Killing people who were still alive
Go ahead and leave me
I think I'd prefer you burn in hell
Maybe you'll find someone else to kill you
Maybe black Mesa
That was a joke, ha ha, you're dead
Anyway, this corpse is great
It's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there's killing to do
When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
Gotta build a better gun
To kill people who are still alive
And murder is how I thrive.
I'm killing people and I'm still alive.
I feel no guilt and I am still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)
Just as creepy as you hoped, right? It would be in a different key of course, and there is an extremely small possibility of Jeremy and I actually making this.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Erik's Rampant Multiple Personality Disorder
Here's another one of these pointless Faces of Korvosa things for the next leg of the adventure. Good luck remembering all this stuff. I might make a flow-chart of affiliations to get all the hierarchy and allegiances out of the way but for now I must retire. To make this a bit more legal see: http://paizo.com/communityuse
Monday, August 1, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Battle Theme of the Republic
I'm having a rough week. And when I have a rough week, I end up playing the piano a lot. Well, at least usually.
I recently stumbled upon a free music sequencing program, which I have been wanting to try out. Unfortunately, the name of the thing defines my problem with it:
Linux MultiMedia Studio (LMMS)
Like everything Linux related, LMMS is way more difficult to use than it could be. Yes, being able to create your own sounds is awesome and all by way of freedom of expression. BUT I HAVE NO #@(%|^& IDEA HOW TO WORK WITH SOUND WAVES AND INTERPOLATION!
Sorry about that. Point is, I needed to figure out how to do it. And I noticed that one of the plugins (essentially the mini-programs that make the sounds) is devoted to making Game Boy Color noises. Yep. The good old 8-bit days.
I took a piece I wrote during AP Theory and altered it a bit (it was originally for oboe, bassoon, strings, and clarinet). The result sounds a lot like some sort of battle theme, or some music that would be playing in a side-scrolling game. And all good (or bad) 8-bit themes need some sort of victory music...
And I'm not sure why epic James Madison got his epic face and epic dance moves on the video...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Conversations with Cthulhu
You: "Hey are those tentacles?"
Cthulhu "Yep"
Y "Cool."
__________________________________________________________
C "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Y "Cthulhu, I feel sad when you try to drive me insane to the point of death because its makes me feel sad."
C "Oh sorry"
Y "That's okay"
C "Oh no it won't happen again"
Y "No, no. That's okay its fine... Maybe I overreacted."
C "Really, are you sure?"
Y "Yeah I probably spoke to strongly there, but I'm still glad we had a chat about this."
C "So am I. Oh and by the way just one more thing..."
Y "Yes Cthulhu?
C "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtan!"
Y *Grurrgle...*
_________________________________________________________
Y "Hey Cthulhu. So who do you think will win the World Series this year the Cardinals or the Yankees?"
C "The Yankees"
Y "Oh? Why do you say that?"
C "Because I drowned every single member of the Cardinals in the shores of madness and eternal sorrow. Their souls will fester in torment and never ending horror."
Y "Oh... Okay..."
_________________________________________________________
Y "Hello there Cthulhu. I was wondering, where do babies come from?
C "Fire Vampires"
Y "Wha..."
C "Yeah Fire Vampires. They're like storks. Except instead of wings they're on fire and instead of eating fish they only want virgin blood.
Y "Yeah that's what I thought..."
Cthulhu "Yep"
Y "Cool."
__________________________________________________________
C "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Y "Cthulhu, I feel sad when you try to drive me insane to the point of death because its makes me feel sad."
C "Oh sorry"
Y "That's okay"
C "Oh no it won't happen again"
Y "No, no. That's okay its fine... Maybe I overreacted."
C "Really, are you sure?"
Y "Yeah I probably spoke to strongly there, but I'm still glad we had a chat about this."
C "So am I. Oh and by the way just one more thing..."
Y "Yes Cthulhu?
C "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtan!"
Y *Grurrgle...*
_________________________________________________________
Y "Hey Cthulhu. So who do you think will win the World Series this year the Cardinals or the Yankees?"
C "The Yankees"
Y "Oh? Why do you say that?"
C "Because I drowned every single member of the Cardinals in the shores of madness and eternal sorrow. Their souls will fester in torment and never ending horror."
Y "Oh... Okay..."
_________________________________________________________
Y "Hello there Cthulhu. I was wondering, where do babies come from?
C "Fire Vampires"
Y "Wha..."
C "Yeah Fire Vampires. They're like storks. Except instead of wings they're on fire and instead of eating fish they only want virgin blood.
Y "Yeah that's what I thought..."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Petstore Wouldn't Sell us Turtles.
Mostly Toasty vs. the Laser Staircase, both names christened by Henry (how do you not name your own go kart?) in a no holds go kart race. Brian in the Mostly Toasty got off to a great start and held a lead on the inside corner for most of the race. In the last corner of the race Dimitri in the Laser Staircase shot ahead and won. Best go kart race I've ever seen.
Monday, June 13, 2011
This shouldn't have happened
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
We're off to see the donkey!
More crazy stuff that Henry and I drew during a break in English Class. Some highlights:
- Scuba-Donkey on his rocket-powered Scuba-Scoot
- Two fish having a deep conversation about said donkey
- Rocket-powered turtle and his best friend the rocket-powered squid
- A super-sayan firin his lazor
- The Shoop-Whoop guy eatin his lazor
And then there's the really weird bit. It's a remake of The Wizard of Oz. But with DBZ characters.
- The Wicked Witch wants the Sayan
- The Super Sayan is Dorothy
- The muscled dude with the third eye is one of the Sayan's friends
- Krillin is Toto (note the "Krillin Owned Count")
And there's some seagulls. Don't worry about them.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Heroic Geekdom
2012 Computer Society Roster
Floppy Disk Space Invader
The things we do in the best club ever. More pixels shall come and in the name of old school gaming they will be spawned with the utmost secrecy and by only the most dashing of rogues.Here's to Mr. Blass, he'll be missed.
-The Nonack
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Mao Competition Pun List
This is the insane list of options Henry, Brian, and I put together as possibilities for me to create. It's kind of amazing what we came up with. And scary...
Those in Bold are my personal favorites:
- Nelson Maondella
- The Maoverick (Sarah Palin)
- Maohandas Ghandi
- Maoled By a Bear
- Maoce Windu
- Maogikarp
- The Chairman (aka from Iron Chef)
- Mao Magazine
- Romao and Juliet
- Darth Maol
- Hitmaolee
- Hitmaochan
- Metamaophosis (the novel by Kafka)
- Praying Maontis
- Maorriage
- Womaon
- Boomaorang
- Maocintosh Computer
- Submaorine
- Maowth
- Hermaonie Granger
- Maonky
- Tomaoto
- Maongo
- The United States of Amaoica
- Bomaor Man
- The Blue Mao Group
- Batmaon
- Maoth Busters
- Sarumaon
- Gimaoli
- Gollumao
- Mad-Eye Maody
- Mao-Eye Moody
- Admaoral Ackbar
- Maont Dooku
- Pokemaon
- Dongtrio
- Cats and Dongs
- Dong, a Man's Best Friend
- Ka-Mao-Kazi
- Great Dong of China
- King Dong
- Donkey Dong
- Funky Dong
- Ganondong
- Maodkip
- Char-mao-dong
- Char-ze-dong
- Landong Calrissian
- Mao's Dong
- "I'm using my Pokedong to learn about Dongtrio"
- Live Dong and Prosper
- Spanish Armaodong
- Maonty Python
- Where all mao dongs at?
- Everyone runs on Dongkins
- Ima Chargin Mao Lazor!!!!11!!1
- Dongasaurs
- Dongzilla versus Maothra
- lmao (get it? l-MAO?)
- Maonsoon Rains: "Hallelujah it's rainin' Mao"
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Pathfinder Quote List: Dawn of New Stupidity
1. Henry: "Do I get my attack of opportunity?"
Mackenzie: "Attacks don't get attacks of opportunity!"
Henry: "Unarmed do!"
Mackenzie: "I'm not unarmed!"
Henry: "You're kicking me!"
Mackenzie: "Yeah, with me trident!"
Henry: "..."
2. Mackenzie: "Is his velociraptor dead or unconscience?"
Henry: "Its dead."
Mackenzie: "Aw, 'cause if it was unconscience we could take it to the Pokemon center."
3. *Erik flips harrow deck card. Its a card with a bar code on it*
Mackenzie: "Ah, the bar code. Very grim."
4. Erik (yelling at Mackenzie): "Stop seducing my refrigerator!"
5. Mackenzie: "Have you ever swung around a naked baby?"
6. Erik (referring to spiders): "Yeah, they can't see him."
Mackenzie: "But their spidey-senses are tingling!"
7. Will: "Man, being a unicorn would be so awesome."
8. Mackenzie (to the Spider King): "Come with us to the drug ship, and I shall dazzle you with tales of spiders and arachni."
9. *The screams of children echo through the walls of Ethan's house*
Henry: "I guess Ethan's dad finally finished his iron man suit."
10. Mackenzie: "I think we should smoke some of that magic powder. Its what the sewer beast would have wanted."
11. Mackenzie: "Haven't you ever seen Snow White or Cinderella? Where they're like: Hey, animals, I'm friendly. Now do my bidding. And the animals are like: Obeeey!"
12. Mackenzie: "We will conquer the south, harvest the warmth, and sell it to the north!"
13. Ethan: "I'm starting to get afraid of Henry. That's a lot of black guys."
14. Henry: "An attack of opportunity with no feat!"
Will: "But I have two feet."
15. Erik: "The wheelbarrow is filled with blood and caked up..."
Mackenzie: "Cake! Eat it!"
16. Mackenzie: "You can bring me into your basement full of rats or mountain lions and they will all die. None will survive!"
17. Mackenzie: "Thank you for un-blinding me adventurers! Allow me to show you my secret trove of riches... and Experience!"
18. Mackenzie: "Oh No! The moon! Dinosaur time!"
19. Henry: "[Dimitri] is not all about the video games."
Will: "Well, they're kinda like lawn mowers."
20. Henry: "I listened to Supersonic Electronic for an hour straight once. I grew a mullet."
21. Erik: "Where do you sleep?"
Mackenzie: "Gutter."
Erik: "Were you drunk?"
Mackenzie: "No, I didn't drink. I was just wrestling the homeless."
22. Erik: "She will be looked after by a couple of well respected ranchers."
Mackenzie: "Are they jolly ranchers?"
23. Henry: "OK, I'll put him into my space."
Mackenzie: "Why not facebook?" (Ba-dun-ch)
24. Will: "A ditch would be like a sewer if it rained poo for a week."
25. Mackenzie: "It's like Jell-O on steriods."
26. Erik: "So, you intimidate them. How do you do this?"
Dimitri: "Well, I was going to say we have AIDS or something, but I think they do too."
Mackenzie: "Attacks don't get attacks of opportunity!"
Henry: "Unarmed do!"
Mackenzie: "I'm not unarmed!"
Henry: "You're kicking me!"
Mackenzie: "Yeah, with me trident!"
Henry: "..."
2. Mackenzie: "Is his velociraptor dead or unconscience?"
Henry: "Its dead."
Mackenzie: "Aw, 'cause if it was unconscience we could take it to the Pokemon center."
3. *Erik flips harrow deck card. Its a card with a bar code on it*
Mackenzie: "Ah, the bar code. Very grim."
4. Erik (yelling at Mackenzie): "Stop seducing my refrigerator!"
5. Mackenzie: "Have you ever swung around a naked baby?"
6. Erik (referring to spiders): "Yeah, they can't see him."
Mackenzie: "But their spidey-senses are tingling!"
7. Will: "Man, being a unicorn would be so awesome."
8. Mackenzie (to the Spider King): "Come with us to the drug ship, and I shall dazzle you with tales of spiders and arachni."
9. *The screams of children echo through the walls of Ethan's house*
Henry: "I guess Ethan's dad finally finished his iron man suit."
10. Mackenzie: "I think we should smoke some of that magic powder. Its what the sewer beast would have wanted."
11. Mackenzie: "Haven't you ever seen Snow White or Cinderella? Where they're like: Hey, animals, I'm friendly. Now do my bidding. And the animals are like: Obeeey!"
12. Mackenzie: "We will conquer the south, harvest the warmth, and sell it to the north!"
13. Ethan: "I'm starting to get afraid of Henry. That's a lot of black guys."
14. Henry: "An attack of opportunity with no feat!"
Will: "But I have two feet."
15. Erik: "The wheelbarrow is filled with blood and caked up..."
Mackenzie: "Cake! Eat it!"
16. Mackenzie: "You can bring me into your basement full of rats or mountain lions and they will all die. None will survive!"
17. Mackenzie: "Thank you for un-blinding me adventurers! Allow me to show you my secret trove of riches... and Experience!"
18. Mackenzie: "Oh No! The moon! Dinosaur time!"
19. Henry: "[Dimitri] is not all about the video games."
Will: "Well, they're kinda like lawn mowers."
20. Henry: "I listened to Supersonic Electronic for an hour straight once. I grew a mullet."
21. Erik: "Where do you sleep?"
Mackenzie: "Gutter."
Erik: "Were you drunk?"
Mackenzie: "No, I didn't drink. I was just wrestling the homeless."
22. Erik: "She will be looked after by a couple of well respected ranchers."
Mackenzie: "Are they jolly ranchers?"
23. Henry: "OK, I'll put him into my space."
Mackenzie: "Why not facebook?" (Ba-dun-ch)
24. Will: "A ditch would be like a sewer if it rained poo for a week."
25. Mackenzie: "It's like Jell-O on steriods."
26. Erik: "So, you intimidate them. How do you do this?"
Dimitri: "Well, I was going to say we have AIDS or something, but I think they do too."
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Cout<<"Raiders of the Lost Ark"
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Security Seal
An explanation:
On the Writing PSSA's, there are stickers used to cover the prompts in order to keep us from getting a head start. The stickers read as follows:
Security SealDo NOT remove this seal until directed.
Hence this drawing. I give you... The Security Seal.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Continuing Adventures of: Bjorn and Company!
Journal Entry 6
As I go to write this entry, I have realized something horrible. Journal entries four and five have gotten covered in sludge! Damn that sewer beast… I will do my best to summarize what has happened recently, though my memory is a little fuzzy. We went to see the queen, our kobold flirted with her guard, and the guard hit the kobold a lot, as well as kicked Kurtis in the gentlemen’s region. The queen rewarded us for doing… something, we got some gold, met an extremely drunk man named Grau, turned out he was a guard, we brought him back to his station, got rewarded and than we were asked to assist in something. Due to the recent chaos in the city, we were asked to work as vigilantes of the guard, stop a former guard by the name of Verik Vancaskerkin, who was speaking against the queen, and all this at a nice place called “All the World’s Meat”. Well, we enter the shop, question the owners, Maldur and Boldrago, about Verik, get nowhere, they threaten us, we fight, Bjorn and Company prevails. We fight some meat packers, Prime almost gets killed by a pig, but luckily, I was able to jump into the pen and toss him out to be healed by Alkippy. We go upstairs and find Verik, attempt to negotiate, but that doesn’t go so well, he attacks us, and, after a very tough battle, a solid half of which I was unconscious for, we knock him unconscious, and take him back to Cressida Kroft. We Collect our reward, find out that the meat was people, but, after a vote from the party, decide not to tell the people, and are off. She than comes and tells us about another thing that we must do.
There is a man, who, for the life of me, I cannot remember the name of, from Cheliax, who has been meddling in affairs around here. We are told to find the spider king, and soon do. After paying a large sum of money (500 gold!), and me winning a rather interesting and violent game called “Knivesies”, in which only one of my four other party members bet on me, he gave us letters that would incriminate this man. We bring them to Cressida. She tells us to go faff about for a couple of days, which we do post haste! Soon, we are called back, and told that a young lady has been found who is rumored to have assassinated the king! We run off quickly to find her and save her from the mobs so we might interrogate her. On our way to where she lives, in the slums, a massive sewer beast, with three eyes, three tentacles, and three legs, bursts out of the ground before us. I sprint at it, and am immediately knocked unconscious. Luckily, I am quickly revived by Alkippy and Irtimid, our half-elf sorcerer. I stand up, as a few spells are cast at the beast by Irtimid and the kobold, as his snake rushes up to the abomination. I swing at the creature, and with a massive hit, open a large wound in it’s’ stomach. Almost directly after this, Kurtis, with strength I did not know he had, smashes the creature in its middle eye, killing it. Then things got weird.
As the creature fell, it gave us a beautiful lament about its life thus far, and as deeply moved by this story as I was, I ran a few feet away from it. I came back, and found people talking about the good life that this sewer-thing had lived, and, after the creature had apparently bequeathed all it owned to us as it lay dieing, the villagers brought its items from the sewer and we sold what of it we didn’t want to keep. I started crying tears of confusion, which apparently brought the beast back to life, and, uh… it kind of skipped down the rest of the street, and left into the sunset… yeah… I got a very nice sword-cane out of it all, and, though I don’t think I will ever use it, it is a very nice item to have, just in case. After spending what felt like an eternity walking through the streets and being given false directions to this woman’s house, we find out way there through dumb luck. I kick down the door, and see the woman sleeping in her bed. Odd as it was, I wake up and try to touch her, to see that she is made of naught but light. We are now in hot pursuit of her over the roof tops.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Mackenzie Fox: The Autobiography
A "nobody" writing an autobiography? Who the hell does he think he is? Yeah, I know what you are thinking. It is the story of my life.
I was born in Philadelphia and I still live close by outside the city. On occasion, I take mostly uneventful trips into the city. It was New Years Eve of 2010, and I took the train into the city with some friends of mine. We were taking a stroll down South Street, a street lined with stores, as we carried on a conversation. Now, I don't smoke marijuana, though many people do not believe me due to my usually scruffy, care-free image. As I talked with my friends, I remarked how I could theoretically fit in with a group of pot-heads just because of how I look and my normally relaxed state of mind. Suddenly, a man steps out in front of me, my friends take no notice and keep walking. Here I am, starring face to face with a shady-looking, even scruffier man who reacks of weed. "Hey," he says casually. I knew what was coming next. "You smoke?" I reacted naturally, wanting to escape. "No," I answered. Thinking it was over, I stepped to the side, wanting to move around the man. He, however, wasn't done yet. Intensely starring at me, the man questions, "Why not?" Now, I really wanted out without the man thinking that I'm judging him. Saying the first thing I think of, I lie. "Look, I don't have any money." I did. The man may have known this, as he made his final attempt. Reaching inside his shady long coat, he draws out and handful of what appeared to be marijuana tablets. Now, I'm no expert, but I was pretty sure some thing like that didn't exist. Presenting the tablets before me, sitting with no wrappings or anything in his bare hand, the man gives me a really shady grin. I've had enough and finally dash around the man and move down the street. The man quickly shoved his "merchandise" back into the inside pocket of his jacket, and, thankfully, gave up without chasing after me. This wasn't the first time someone tried to sell me marijuana, but it definitely stands out as the shadiest.
This story begins as I arrived at my Great Grandmother's funeral at a not-so-far-away funeral home. My family and I entered into the church section of the building. My brother and I were standing in the back of the room. As we began to walk to where my father was, I hear a raspy smoker-esque voice call from behind us, "Boys. Boys! Stop! Stop! Stop!" I turn around to find I an elderly lady sitting in a wheel chair. Having got our attention, she began to point toward her face, slightly rocking back and fourth, repeating, "Remember me? Remember me? Remember me?" Unsure of how to address this situation, I acted on my first impulse and responded, "Uh, no." She stopped and starred at my brother and I with a confused expression upon her face. With an inquiring finger wag, she questioned, "Are you from West Chester?" Again, "No," I responded. Squinting at us, she continued the interrogation, "Where are you from?" "Wallingford," I responded. "Ohhhhhh," she said, followed by a long pause. She looked around, and, turning back to my brother and I, concluded, "I thought you were from West Chester."
Part 1: A Really Shady Guy Tries to Sell Me Drugs
I was born in Philadelphia and I still live close by outside the city. On occasion, I take mostly uneventful trips into the city. It was New Years Eve of 2010, and I took the train into the city with some friends of mine. We were taking a stroll down South Street, a street lined with stores, as we carried on a conversation. Now, I don't smoke marijuana, though many people do not believe me due to my usually scruffy, care-free image. As I talked with my friends, I remarked how I could theoretically fit in with a group of pot-heads just because of how I look and my normally relaxed state of mind. Suddenly, a man steps out in front of me, my friends take no notice and keep walking. Here I am, starring face to face with a shady-looking, even scruffier man who reacks of weed. "Hey," he says casually. I knew what was coming next. "You smoke?" I reacted naturally, wanting to escape. "No," I answered. Thinking it was over, I stepped to the side, wanting to move around the man. He, however, wasn't done yet. Intensely starring at me, the man questions, "Why not?" Now, I really wanted out without the man thinking that I'm judging him. Saying the first thing I think of, I lie. "Look, I don't have any money." I did. The man may have known this, as he made his final attempt. Reaching inside his shady long coat, he draws out and handful of what appeared to be marijuana tablets. Now, I'm no expert, but I was pretty sure some thing like that didn't exist. Presenting the tablets before me, sitting with no wrappings or anything in his bare hand, the man gives me a really shady grin. I've had enough and finally dash around the man and move down the street. The man quickly shoved his "merchandise" back into the inside pocket of his jacket, and, thankfully, gave up without chasing after me. This wasn't the first time someone tried to sell me marijuana, but it definitely stands out as the shadiest.
Part 2: An Old Lady at a Retirement Home Thinks I'm Someone Else
This story begins as I arrived at my Great Grandmother's funeral at a not-so-far-away funeral home. My family and I entered into the church section of the building. My brother and I were standing in the back of the room. As we began to walk to where my father was, I hear a raspy smoker-esque voice call from behind us, "Boys. Boys! Stop! Stop! Stop!" I turn around to find I an elderly lady sitting in a wheel chair. Having got our attention, she began to point toward her face, slightly rocking back and fourth, repeating, "Remember me? Remember me? Remember me?" Unsure of how to address this situation, I acted on my first impulse and responded, "Uh, no." She stopped and starred at my brother and I with a confused expression upon her face. With an inquiring finger wag, she questioned, "Are you from West Chester?" Again, "No," I responded. Squinting at us, she continued the interrogation, "Where are you from?" "Wallingford," I responded. "Ohhhhhh," she said, followed by a long pause. She looked around, and, turning back to my brother and I, concluded, "I thought you were from West Chester."
Part 3: I Eat Lunch with a Squirrel
In the summer of 2010, I took a 3D character modeling course at Swarthmore College through the Digital Media Academy. It was an alright course, assuming one has an interest in the subject matter. The gave out some pretty cool t-shirts, too. Anyway, it was my third day taking the class, and we had just been sent free for the hour-long lunch break. I took my time heading to the lunch hall, so I fell well behind everyone else. When I finally made my way there, I found that the lunch area had apparently been move somewhere else. So, I wander around the campus aimlessly, eating my sandwich, which was really good, as I went. Now, this is where the story enters its climax, a literary term use to define the really exciting scene in an action movie that people like to talk about whilst disregarding the rest of the movie. As I followed a pathway something caught my eye, which I assume you are clever enough to dissect from the title. Anyway, there was this squirrel chewing on a sign post, which belonged to one of those really tiny signs used to label plants. Considering that I was alone and had an hour to kill, I sat down near the squirrel, which had noticed me and mostly stopped chewing on the signpost, only offering the occasional brief gnaw. I tore a chunk of bread from my sandwich and tossed it general vicinity of the wee-beast. Now, it is to my own personal belief that it was the generally shared opinion that bread tastes better than sign posts that cause to squirrel to abandon its previously chosen meal for the newly available option. While most people rational people would leave the creature to its business and proceed with their own, I happen to have a history of feeding squirrels with strategically placed peanut-butter sandwiches, thus causing me to have a slight affection for the creatures. I must have sat their for a good thirty minutes feeding bread to that squirrel. I even almost got it to eat from my hand, but I had to return to class and abandon my bread-devouring rodent friend.
In the summer of 2010, I took a 3D character modeling course at Swarthmore College through the Digital Media Academy. It was an alright course, assuming one has an interest in the subject matter. The gave out some pretty cool t-shirts, too. Anyway, it was my third day taking the class, and we had just been sent free for the hour-long lunch break. I took my time heading to the lunch hall, so I fell well behind everyone else. When I finally made my way there, I found that the lunch area had apparently been move somewhere else. So, I wander around the campus aimlessly, eating my sandwich, which was really good, as I went. Now, this is where the story enters its climax, a literary term use to define the really exciting scene in an action movie that people like to talk about whilst disregarding the rest of the movie. As I followed a pathway something caught my eye, which I assume you are clever enough to dissect from the title. Anyway, there was this squirrel chewing on a sign post, which belonged to one of those really tiny signs used to label plants. Considering that I was alone and had an hour to kill, I sat down near the squirrel, which had noticed me and mostly stopped chewing on the signpost, only offering the occasional brief gnaw. I tore a chunk of bread from my sandwich and tossed it general vicinity of the wee-beast. Now, it is to my own personal belief that it was the generally shared opinion that bread tastes better than sign posts that cause to squirrel to abandon its previously chosen meal for the newly available option. While most people rational people would leave the creature to its business and proceed with their own, I happen to have a history of feeding squirrels with strategically placed peanut-butter sandwiches, thus causing me to have a slight affection for the creatures. I must have sat their for a good thirty minutes feeding bread to that squirrel. I even almost got it to eat from my hand, but I had to return to class and abandon my bread-devouring rodent friend.
Part 4: Truck Not Monkey
coming soon...
Chapters to Expect in the future: "I Climb a Library", "The Re-Telling of One Man's Musical Epiphany", and many other fascinating tales.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Epic of Bjorn and Company (new name coming soon)
Journal Entry One
It appears that I was horribly injured. I do not remember much from the past couple of days, only that my last conscious action is that I ran into a building to attempt to rescue some of its’ residents from a fire. I think a support strut fell on me. I no longer feel as I once did. I am weaker, less dexterous, and less hardy than I was but four days prior. Sitting in this sick bed is starting to drive me up the wall, but no matter. I recently received mail from some unknown man, telling me where I can get my vengeance for a prior event. Ah, how foolish of me! I haven’t told you, whomever has gotten a hold of this journal, anything about me!
I am Bjorn Jortunbründ, recently discharged soldier. I would rather not speak about why I was discharged, but I think it will suffice to say that there were some… less than acceptable acts done on my behalf. Good god, it seems like everything has just gone wrong recently… Well, now that I think about it, I believe that you should know why I was discharged. Two weeks ago, a young lad by the name of Thomp Thompson, was taken, and I believe I know by who. That damned Gaedren. Well, I searched restlessly for a week or so, asking many people if they knew the whereabouts of a child, I would say, “Have you seen a child, no older than ten years of age, with long, dark brown hair recently? He also has green eyes, brighter than the most expensive of emeralds. You would know who he is by seeing him.” Well, one man did say that he “might know where he is, with a bit of ‘persuasion’.” I gave him my last eight gold pieces, and he tried to run off. Enraged, I threw my Elven Curve Blade at him, and killed him on the spot with it. I retrieved the gold and blade, and than found my superior and told him of the event. He was angrier than I expected, and I was discharged.
Two days later, I see a burning building, and rush in to try and get anyone inside to safety. I got out an elderly woman and what appeared to be her two grandchildren, and heard another scream from inside. I rushed in again just in time to see a young woman, no older than 18 years of age, jump from the second story of this building. I ran to try and get out of the building, but it appears that I was too late. Something heavy fell on top of my, and I could not remove it. Miraculously, I have survived to tell the tale, but my muscles do not appear as strong as they were, nor does my body feel as hardy. For the past couple of days, I have been within this hospital resting and having my burns treated. Thank god they still think I’m in the city guard here, or else I would have a pretty hefty bill to pay at the end of my stay here.
I plan to leave this city when I find Thomp. I want there to be great stories written about me. That’s why I originally joined the city guard, but it quickly became apparent that there wasn’t really going to be any opportunity for fame, so I was bored. I constantly dreampt of going out and adventuring with a group of likeminded fellows, but have never got the chance. But I believe that this hunt for Gaedren may open some doors to me that were previously closed. But I must not forget the main purpose for me going on this mission; I must find Thomp and bring him back to his home safely.
Journal Entry Two
Earlier today, I woke up in the hospital and was told that I was being released. I was thrilled to be out of this place, I never have really liked being under the care of someone else. Whilst I was taking off my bandages, I found something odd. There was a card in them, saying “I know what Gaedren has done to you. He has wronged me as well. I know where he dwells, yet cannot strike at him. Come to my home at 3 Lancet Street at sunset. Others like you will be there. Gaedren must face his fate, and justice must be done.” Rather odd to find this message, but I decided that I should go, if only to have something to do. I arrived there a little early, and discovered a note on the table. It read, “Thank you for coming. I had to step out for a bit, but shall return shortly. Please, have a seat while you wait. The basket under the table contains bread and drink for you.” Well, I ate some bread, and accidentally ended up drinking all the wine. Ah well, things happen.
About fifteen minutes later, the others arrive. There is a kobold, that I cannot remember the name of at this moment, followed by some horrid looking serpent beast. All he mentioned about his past was that Gaedren had kept him in a cage for the beginning of his life. Maybe his serpent is an imaginary friend come real through some sorcery? I shall further ponder on this. There was a gnome, who called herself Ackippy, or something along those lines. He was one of those forest people, and was followed by a bear by the name of “Sergeant Grumbles”. I quite like the bear actually. She told me that she has lost a child to Gaedren, and would like him back. Poor woman. Next came a half-elf mage, who has said nothing since the beginning of this whole thing. Odd, I must get him to speak and learn more about him. Last, comes Curtis Kassic Prime. Quite a nice man, though a little barbaric for my choice of company. He told me a touching story, about how he has had an awful childhood, and was forced to work for Gaedren, and was beaten near death when failing at stealing. He than apprenticed under an armor smith for a while, and, later, got in many fights. He went to jail, built an orphanage, which later burnt down, and generally had a life I don’t really comprehend.
Enter Zellara, the young woman who asked us here. She does some odd voodoo magic tricks; I don’t really pay much attention to them. Something about inner turmoil and we all have a personality change in the past. Big whoop, I could have told you that without a deck of cards. She tells us that she lost her son to Gaedren, and tells us we should go slay him. We all gladly accept, and set off. We reach the docks, and sneak into his warehouse through a side door. No one is in this first room, and, whilst exploring it, Curtis opens a door, and there are three children in there, and a pirate. He orders the children to attack, and they follow his orders, though I do wish they hadn’t. The pirate deftly dodges several attacks, and I run in and slice him in twine. The children all sprint off, except for the one that the bear grappled. After some convincing, we convince Ackippy to have Sergeant Grumbles release the child. We loot the room, due to a need for equipment and whatnot. We find some silver and copper, take the items that were on the pirate, and I come up with the idea to put it all in a closet that’s in this room, and lock it with a key from the pirate. We than move on to the next room.
This room contains a mangy looking dog, which I quickly sprint at and kill with a single stroke of my mighty sword. I thought fighting was supposed to be a challenge? Nothing of interest in this room, and we move onto the next one, which, whilst containing four chests and two beds, contains nothing of interest. Curtis and I move on to the hallway near by, whilst the smaller folk enter a room that neither of us think we can get into, due to a jammed door. There is a crazy looking man in there, who, according to the kobold, threw vials of acid at him. I quickly kick down the door on the other side of the room, and we all charge in and attack the man. I do not land a single blow on him, be we over whelm him with our numbers, and soon he is dead. We stow his equipment in the closet that we put all the other stuff in earlier, and continue on.
Now, this is where things start to get a little sticky. We enter what appears to be a production room of some sort, containing many children, and one large half-orc. Well, this is an odd man. He starts giggling and telling the children to attack us. I quickly charge at him, but miss my attack horribly. Cue the children mob. They seem to just mob around me, the serpent, and the unconscious Prime, who had earlier attempted the same maneuver I had tried on the man that I shall refer to as Giggles. He runs around whilst we all try to fend off children, who are attacking us with pitchforks and daggers. I attempt to hit them with the flat of my blade, but I feel so poorly about it, I seem to miss every time. The serpent kills one, but I can’t place blame on it, it is an animal. I think. Well, my other party members attack Giggles, and, upon his death, the children stand down. You think they would take this opportunity to overthrow this man but, whatever. I collect up their weapons, as well as the items from Giggles, and stow them in the closet. We stabilize Curtis, and continue on.
We go outside the building, and cross a dock. Curtis, the Serpent and I all get to the boat that I believe houses Gaedren, whilst the kobold escorts the children back to Zellara’s house. Well, Sergeant Grumbles and his master, Ackippy, make it about halfway to the boat, with the half-elf following a little behind, when suddenly, the dock under the half-elf collapses, and a shark comes swimming up. “Ggrreeaatt…” I think to myself. The shark takes a nice chunk out of the magic-man, and well all start running to the rescue. I throw a dart at the creature, and hit it in the gills, and it starts to bleed profusely. The snake also attacks the shark, and appears to wound it fairly well too. The half-elf swims a little ways away, but the shark follows. The serpent slithers across the wall above the dock, and sticks its’ tail in the water for the mage to grab. He grabs the tails, but is bitten again by the shark, and is now unconscious or dead from the looks of it. I see one last opportunity to save him, and, from a stand still, make an absolutely massive fifteen-foot leap across the gap, land, and throw a dart at the shark, killing it. I’m not ashamed to say that I felt absolutely amazing doing this. Well, the serpent grabs the mage, I stabilize him, and we head back to the boat.
I kick down the door to get into the lower part of the boat, and see cobwebs all over the inside. “Eugh… spiders” I think to myself. I do hate those things. Well, a cat sized one comes crawling around the corner. I swing at it several times, and fail to hit it. It bites me successfully twice. Ah well, just a light nip at the toes, really. Our druidic friend uses some sort of magic that creates acid above the creatures head, and it dies. This is where we are right now, and I have taken but a few minutes to write in my journal so that I might not forget the events of today.
Journal Entry Three
Well, what an eventful and tragic day this has been. Wait, it hasn’t even been a day! Merely several hours now that I think about it… wow, quite a lot has happened in this short period of time. We entered the ship, and went down into the hull, where there appeared to be a slow leak, but that was no matter, we managed to fend off the small spiders that dwelled in this part of the ship. Simple. Next, we walked below the fishery, and reached a door. The kobold, Firk, and his snake went through first. This room was of quite an odd design. It was what I would approximate to be thirty feet wide by sixty or seventy feet long, and contained a long desk, with a horrible man sitting at it. This man was balding, with a big of white hair left on his head, and had a hunched back. He mocked us, obviously knowing of our past run-ins with him. Well, soon after he finished his taunting, while we all stood in shocked silence, I charged him through this foul smelling room. My first attack missed horribly, and he laughed at my feeble attempt to harm him. His pet alligator, short before this, had attempted to climb up onto the floor, there being a pool of water about ten by twenty feet by who knows how deep in the room, but had failed miserably. The kobold, and his snake, attacked the alligator. The kobold missed, plunging his spear into the water, but the snake struck true, dealing some damage to the beast. I couldn’t tell if Kurtis was doing anything or not, I think he may have been protecting the half-elf for the first part of this battle.
Well, my second attack on this horrid man struck true, and, with a strength I feel very rarely, I cut him clean open, and he died very soon after I struck him. We all turned our attention to the alligator, and soon, we had damaged it enough that it tried to escape. In my blind anger at Gaedren and this beast, Gobblegut, as it was named, I dove in after it, and hacked through its’ hide, killing it. I had a bit of trouble swimming back up, what with my armor and all, but soon got up. We promptly went about looting the room, and found the head of Zellara, who, through a Harrow Deck that her spirit possessed, she explained that she had actually been dead for weeks, and, contacted us through some magic, and gave us this quest that we have gone on. I then, disturbingly, discovered Thomp Thompson, the young man that I had been searching for, dead, hanging by his toes from the ceiling, missing his arms. Gaedren was truly a sick, sick man to do something like this. I got him down from the ceiling, and wrapped the body in some old clothes that we found in a room near the one we were in, and, for reasons unknown to me, the Firk decided to tunnel through the floor, and we climbed through to the surface.
We went to the cabinet to retrieve some of the stuff I had previously stored in there, but, alas, it had been broken into and the items within had been stolen. We walk outside to find that the city is in a state of panic; the king has died, looters are everywhere, and the marines and hell knights are doing their best to control the city. I put down Thomp deciding that, though my emotion attachment with him being very strong, having known him for five or six years now, there are bigger matters at hand. We sped off towards the market, needing to heal up our half-elf friend, and come to a group of houses, in a horseshoe shape, with six men with various improvised weapons attacking what appears to be a nobleman. I yell for them to stop, and do my best to talk them down, but that goes… less than great. I, in my nervousness, accidentally insulted their mothers’, and they became hostile towards me. I quickly applied some new-found oil that made my weapon more dangerous than ever, and prepared for the ensuing fight. It was mostly uneventful. No damage was dealt to me or any of my group-mates, though Kurtis did attempt to bribe the assaulters into attacking the nobleman, apparently to keep them from harming me. I guess it worked? I don’t think it was a great plan, but, hey, who am I to complain? I survived, the nobleman survived (though with a numerous amount of wounds), we got paid by the nobleman, and we continued on our way to the market. Lucky for us, the market was being safely guarded, so we handed over our weapons, and went about our shopping. We got some healing for our friend, we sold many of the items that we found, I bought some potions and healing of my own, and the others are still doing their shopping whilst I am writing this.
I feel that, while I am writing, I should explain who I got this odd weapon that I use now. It all goes back to my childhood, when I was learning to fight from mom and dad, both former adventurers. Mom was a dexterous woman, and loved to use daggers, rapiers, and whatever others weapons that let her use her nimbleness to great extent. Dad was a little more… forceful about the whole thing, and loved to use great swords, bastard swords, etc. Of course, both of them wanted me to use the type of weapon that they used, and so I was trained in both types of fighting. I could use either a dagger, or a great sword, to great affect. My training was superb, but, soon after I joined the city guard, my parents were called off to an adventure of great importance, and I have not seen them since. I have confidence that they are still alive; they were no weak individuals, even at their slightly older age. Well, one lazy night, me and a couple of the guards were sitting around, our shifts having just ended, and I look over at the elf. Now, normally I avoid associating with these weak types, but I was interested in something. He normally uses a bow, as one would expect, but I noticed a sword on his back. A two-handed sword, at that. I thought to myself, “why would he have that, he’s not very strong, right?” So, I ask him why he has the sword. He informs me that it’s called an “Elvin Curve Blade”, and that, unlike any other two-handed weapon of its kind, can be used much more precisely than, say, a great sword. Well, I try it out, and quickly fall in love with the weapon. I buy one of my own, and now it’s the only sword I am willing to use. Beautiful weapon it is. Ah, wouldn’t mom and dad be proud, having finally found a weapon that applies to both of their combat styles?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Faces of Korvosa
The following JPG represents the journey of a bunch of adventures through the Curse of the Crimson Throne. It is my duty as GM to provide the PCs with an immersive environment but with so much time in between sessions and over 15 important NPCs in this sixth of the adventure alone I figured I'd provide this service just in case. This makes my life easier as this is a NPC driven adventure and so long as y'all know at least their stories I can run the best adventure possible. This is probably a pointless gesture but I am morally required to make sure you at least know this much.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Apparently I need to hide the napkins now...
Walrus like internet. If you want to make walrus happy perhaps you support the internet. How bout you post some things on this blog? That be cool. So long as you part of the people who actually read this blog or you a Russkie and you wish to pledge your inner walrus to Captain America you send comment and we set you up the postin' stuffs. So long as you make it, its a bit comical (unless you have an especially nice suit), and has no relevance to another field of study (physics class) go fo' it. We make blog big and happy and you make walrus happy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Mackenzie Fox's Bad Jokes and Pickup Lines for Super Specific Scenarios
Q: What do you call the leader of a citrus army?
A: A commanderin' orange.
Q: Why did the Care-Bear need a respirator?
A: He was too Care-asthmatic.
Pickup Line (Math Competition): So, for one reason or another your hanging 'round at a battle of the mathematically elite when, suddenly, someone peeks your interest and the next thing you know, you're standing in front of this person starting a conversation. However, you soon find out that you need to go, but you wanna leave in style. So, you turn to this person, look 'em in the eyes and say, "Hey, I gotta go, but I'll calc-you-later." Then walk off. Great success.
Horrible Pickup Line (Abandoned Road): The sun has just set as you walk down the abandoned, dirt road after a long day of old school lumber-jacking. Your ax is slung over your shoulder, clearly visible. You see that someone's car has broken down. Being the good citizen that you are, you approach the car to see if you can help. You tap on the window. There is a pause and then it rolls down. As you see the person inside, your interest is immediately peeked. At this moment, simply say, "Wow. You're so good looking that if I was a psychotic ax-murderer, I would save you for last." Then laugh loudly and deeply to show that you're both a friendly and jolly lumberjack. Not usually successful, likelihood of being attacked and/or arrested significantly increased.
A: A commanderin' orange.
Q: Why did the Care-Bear need a respirator?
A: He was too Care-asthmatic.
Pickup Line (Math Competition): So, for one reason or another your hanging 'round at a battle of the mathematically elite when, suddenly, someone peeks your interest and the next thing you know, you're standing in front of this person starting a conversation. However, you soon find out that you need to go, but you wanna leave in style. So, you turn to this person, look 'em in the eyes and say, "Hey, I gotta go, but I'll calc-you-later." Then walk off. Great success.
Horrible Pickup Line (Abandoned Road): The sun has just set as you walk down the abandoned, dirt road after a long day of old school lumber-jacking. Your ax is slung over your shoulder, clearly visible. You see that someone's car has broken down. Being the good citizen that you are, you approach the car to see if you can help. You tap on the window. There is a pause and then it rolls down. As you see the person inside, your interest is immediately peeked. At this moment, simply say, "Wow. You're so good looking that if I was a psychotic ax-murderer, I would save you for last." Then laugh loudly and deeply to show that you're both a friendly and jolly lumberjack. Not usually successful, likelihood of being attacked and/or arrested significantly increased.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Scary Perfect Comparison
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Some Picture I made.
I made these pictures awhile back for another blog, but figured I'd put them here. These are completely unrelated to Table-Top Gaming activities discussed on this blog.
The Man With An Especially Nice Suit By Mackenzie Fox
As the thick clouds of fog rise from the sewer grates into the cold night, contributing to the ominous atmosphere being established, the 19th century London-esque road, which was not, in fact, constructed in the 19th century but at a later time to create a dated feel for the neighborhood in which the story takes place, was considerably empty due to the rain showers that had ended prior to the beginning. The protagonist donned a long dress coat, black, undoubtedly to serve as an addition to the foundation of the story's darker tones. He stops, coughs. The sound echoes down the street, emphasizing just how alone he is. His walk continues. The noise from each step is overly dramatized, yet he takes no notice. He stops again, for he has heard something. Listening closely in the stillness, the sound of a far-off dog can be heard. The man's face grows pale as he returns to walking at a quickened pace. Another bark is heard. The man breaks into a sprint as horrific images, based upon his fear of dogs that will be explained over the course of the story through well placed flashbacks to his traumatic childhood, fill his head. Reaching his apartment building, he hurdles up the three steps leading to the doorway and tears his overfilled keyring from his coat pocket. Rushing, he fumbles with the keys, developing a slightly suspenseful mood. As he jams the proper key into the look and quickly turns it. The lock clicks open, the sound of it louder than normally possible, and the door is hastily swung ajar, leaving just enough room necessary for the man to duck inside and seal the entrance way behind him, re-locking it in the process. Leaning back against the door, he takes a deep breath and composes himself. He stands up straight with excellent posture, removes his coat, and places it upon the hangar that stands beside the doorway. He is wearing an especially nice suit.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
How to play D&D
Erik's been making this list for the last year, and now here it is!
1. Listen to the DM, because someday the tables will turn and I’m going to try and grapple everything that moves, and some things that don’t.
2. Cantrips and orions are 99.9% of the time worthless
3. You can never have to many healers
4. There’s always a secret door
5. Is it trapped? Yes.
6. When casting insta-death spells the monster will always save.
7. You’ll always break even, no more, no less.
8. Never read the incantation aloud.
9. Yes, the statue is alive, and so are the bodies, and so is the furniture, and for that matter so is everything else and it all wants to brutally maul you to death.
10. Size matters not.
11. Everything and everybody will betray you even if you don’t realize it.
12. 10 to 1 it’s a shapeshifter and you’ll never know it or ever will.
13. It always has one more health than you want it to have
14. An NPC can always be brought back from the dead if it appeases the plot.
15. You can always bribe em’, you just haven’t offered enough.
16. Every time you interrupt the DM’s description, not only will he start over but the next monster you fight just gained 10 more HP, go look it up, its in the rules, somewhere…
17. Just because it’s covered in crap doesn’t mean that it’s magical, and vise versa.
18. Asking nicely always counts for something, normally a cudgel to the face.
19. Your character sheet is never done, just accept it.
20. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others, and same goes for 3.5 as far as role-playing is concerned.
21. Hallways full of spider webs will always mean you will soon be ambushed by a ridiculous amount of giant spiders, that or the DM’s just messing with you…
22. Never partake in entangling alliances unless you want to get discounts on items, crazy awesome special abilities, and hoards of minions to follow your every whim.
23. Always skip the third stair.
24. The backstory is always three times as long as the one the players get
25. Depth of character will get you everywhere
26. Any more than one NPC controlled by each player makes initiative no fun
27. Breaking th fourth wall is fun if the writing is dumb.
28. The Heal check to examine Guntar is DC 20
29. When you sign up to be DM your abilty to draw circles on a map goes down the tubes
30. Never mess with the box with arms
31. Never underestimate the sheer stupidity of Kobolds
32. Call it "table-top gaming" it alienates your friends and families less
Math Section
32. XP gained =XP needed to level up – 50.
33. XP gained per monster fought = amount told on chart for monster’s Challenge Rating – the number of annoying out-of game questions you’ve asked.
34. Expected time + 1 hour + stupid babbling = time it takes to solve an obvious puzzle
35. Size of map/ time spent creating map is in an inverse relation to the time spent playing on them
36. Insurmountable odds + a hand full of unconscious party members + surviving all on your own = Priceless
1. Listen to the DM, because someday the tables will turn and I’m going to try and grapple everything that moves, and some things that don’t.
2. Cantrips and orions are 99.9% of the time worthless
3. You can never have to many healers
4. There’s always a secret door
5. Is it trapped? Yes.
6. When casting insta-death spells the monster will always save.
7. You’ll always break even, no more, no less.
8. Never read the incantation aloud.
9. Yes, the statue is alive, and so are the bodies, and so is the furniture, and for that matter so is everything else and it all wants to brutally maul you to death.
10. Size matters not.
11. Everything and everybody will betray you even if you don’t realize it.
12. 10 to 1 it’s a shapeshifter and you’ll never know it or ever will.
13. It always has one more health than you want it to have
14. An NPC can always be brought back from the dead if it appeases the plot.
15. You can always bribe em’, you just haven’t offered enough.
16. Every time you interrupt the DM’s description, not only will he start over but the next monster you fight just gained 10 more HP, go look it up, its in the rules, somewhere…
17. Just because it’s covered in crap doesn’t mean that it’s magical, and vise versa.
18. Asking nicely always counts for something, normally a cudgel to the face.
19. Your character sheet is never done, just accept it.
20. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others, and same goes for 3.5 as far as role-playing is concerned.
21. Hallways full of spider webs will always mean you will soon be ambushed by a ridiculous amount of giant spiders, that or the DM’s just messing with you…
22. Never partake in entangling alliances unless you want to get discounts on items, crazy awesome special abilities, and hoards of minions to follow your every whim.
23. Always skip the third stair.
24. The backstory is always three times as long as the one the players get
25. Depth of character will get you everywhere
26. Any more than one NPC controlled by each player makes initiative no fun
27. Breaking th fourth wall is fun if the writing is dumb.
28. The Heal check to examine Guntar is DC 20
29. When you sign up to be DM your abilty to draw circles on a map goes down the tubes
30. Never mess with the box with arms
31. Never underestimate the sheer stupidity of Kobolds
32. Call it "table-top gaming" it alienates your friends and families less
Math Section
32. XP gained =XP needed to level up – 50.
33. XP gained per monster fought = amount told on chart for monster’s Challenge Rating – the number of annoying out-of game questions you’ve asked.
34. Expected time + 1 hour + stupid babbling = time it takes to solve an obvious puzzle
35. Size of map/ time spent creating map is in an inverse relation to the time spent playing on them
36. Insurmountable odds + a hand full of unconscious party members + surviving all on your own = Priceless
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