A Mackenzie Fox Original
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
What the Metroid games should have been about
This is what happens when the DM leaves Henry and Mackenzie unattended.
How to play D&D
Erik's been making this list for the last year, and now here it is!
1. Listen to the DM, because someday the tables will turn and I’m going to try and grapple everything that moves, and some things that don’t.
2. Cantrips and orions are 99.9% of the time worthless
3. You can never have to many healers
4. There’s always a secret door
5. Is it trapped? Yes.
6. When casting insta-death spells the monster will always save.
7. You’ll always break even, no more, no less.
8. Never read the incantation aloud.
9. Yes, the statue is alive, and so are the bodies, and so is the furniture, and for that matter so is everything else and it all wants to brutally maul you to death.
10. Size matters not.
11. Everything and everybody will betray you even if you don’t realize it.
12. 10 to 1 it’s a shapeshifter and you’ll never know it or ever will.
13. It always has one more health than you want it to have
14. An NPC can always be brought back from the dead if it appeases the plot.
15. You can always bribe em’, you just haven’t offered enough.
16. Every time you interrupt the DM’s description, not only will he start over but the next monster you fight just gained 10 more HP, go look it up, its in the rules, somewhere…
17. Just because it’s covered in crap doesn’t mean that it’s magical, and vise versa.
18. Asking nicely always counts for something, normally a cudgel to the face.
19. Your character sheet is never done, just accept it.
20. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others, and same goes for 3.5 as far as role-playing is concerned.
21. Hallways full of spider webs will always mean you will soon be ambushed by a ridiculous amount of giant spiders, that or the DM’s just messing with you…
22. Never partake in entangling alliances unless you want to get discounts on items, crazy awesome special abilities, and hoards of minions to follow your every whim.
23. Always skip the third stair.
24. The backstory is always three times as long as the one the players get
25. Depth of character will get you everywhere
26. Any more than one NPC controlled by each player makes initiative no fun
27. Breaking th fourth wall is fun if the writing is dumb.
28. The Heal check to examine Guntar is DC 20
29. When you sign up to be DM your abilty to draw circles on a map goes down the tubes
30. Never mess with the box with arms
31. Never underestimate the sheer stupidity of Kobolds
32. Call it "table-top gaming" it alienates your friends and families less
Math Section
32. XP gained =XP needed to level up – 50.
33. XP gained per monster fought = amount told on chart for monster’s Challenge Rating – the number of annoying out-of game questions you’ve asked.
34. Expected time + 1 hour + stupid babbling = time it takes to solve an obvious puzzle
35. Size of map/ time spent creating map is in an inverse relation to the time spent playing on them
36. Insurmountable odds + a hand full of unconscious party members + surviving all on your own = Priceless
1. Listen to the DM, because someday the tables will turn and I’m going to try and grapple everything that moves, and some things that don’t.
2. Cantrips and orions are 99.9% of the time worthless
3. You can never have to many healers
4. There’s always a secret door
5. Is it trapped? Yes.
6. When casting insta-death spells the monster will always save.
7. You’ll always break even, no more, no less.
8. Never read the incantation aloud.
9. Yes, the statue is alive, and so are the bodies, and so is the furniture, and for that matter so is everything else and it all wants to brutally maul you to death.
10. Size matters not.
11. Everything and everybody will betray you even if you don’t realize it.
12. 10 to 1 it’s a shapeshifter and you’ll never know it or ever will.
13. It always has one more health than you want it to have
14. An NPC can always be brought back from the dead if it appeases the plot.
15. You can always bribe em’, you just haven’t offered enough.
16. Every time you interrupt the DM’s description, not only will he start over but the next monster you fight just gained 10 more HP, go look it up, its in the rules, somewhere…
17. Just because it’s covered in crap doesn’t mean that it’s magical, and vise versa.
18. Asking nicely always counts for something, normally a cudgel to the face.
19. Your character sheet is never done, just accept it.
20. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others, and same goes for 3.5 as far as role-playing is concerned.
21. Hallways full of spider webs will always mean you will soon be ambushed by a ridiculous amount of giant spiders, that or the DM’s just messing with you…
22. Never partake in entangling alliances unless you want to get discounts on items, crazy awesome special abilities, and hoards of minions to follow your every whim.
23. Always skip the third stair.
24. The backstory is always three times as long as the one the players get
25. Depth of character will get you everywhere
26. Any more than one NPC controlled by each player makes initiative no fun
27. Breaking th fourth wall is fun if the writing is dumb.
28. The Heal check to examine Guntar is DC 20
29. When you sign up to be DM your abilty to draw circles on a map goes down the tubes
30. Never mess with the box with arms
31. Never underestimate the sheer stupidity of Kobolds
32. Call it "table-top gaming" it alienates your friends and families less
Math Section
32. XP gained =XP needed to level up – 50.
33. XP gained per monster fought = amount told on chart for monster’s Challenge Rating – the number of annoying out-of game questions you’ve asked.
34. Expected time + 1 hour + stupid babbling = time it takes to solve an obvious puzzle
35. Size of map/ time spent creating map is in an inverse relation to the time spent playing on them
36. Insurmountable odds + a hand full of unconscious party members + surviving all on your own = Priceless
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