The Man With An Especially Nice Suit By Mackenzie Fox

As the thick clouds of fog rise from the sewer grates into the cold night, contributing to the ominous atmosphere being established, the 19th century London-esque road, which was not, in fact, constructed in the 19th century but at a later time to create a dated feel for the neighborhood in which the story takes place, was considerably empty due to the rain showers that had ended prior to the beginning. The protagonist donned a long dress coat, black, undoubtedly to serve as an addition to the foundation of the story's darker tones. He stops, coughs. The sound echoes down the street, emphasizing just how alone he is. His walk continues. The noise from each step is overly dramatized, yet he takes no notice. He stops again, for he has heard something. Listening closely in the stillness, the sound of a far-off dog can be heard. The man's face grows pale as he returns to walking at a quickened pace. Another bark is heard. The man breaks into a sprint as horrific images, based upon his fear of dogs that will be explained over the course of the story through well placed flashbacks to his traumatic childhood, fill his head. Reaching his apartment building, he hurdles up the three steps leading to the doorway and tears his overfilled keyring from his coat pocket. Rushing, he fumbles with the keys, developing a slightly suspenseful mood. As he jams the proper key into the look and quickly turns it. The lock clicks open, the sound of it louder than normally possible, and the door is hastily swung ajar, leaving just enough room necessary for the man to duck inside and seal the entrance way behind him, re-locking it in the process. Leaning back against the door, he takes a deep breath and composes himself. He stands up straight with excellent posture, removes his coat, and places it upon the hangar that stands beside the doorway. He is wearing an especially nice suit.

The Eyes of the Lich Queen

A Mackenzie Fox Original

What the Metroid games should have been about

This is what happens when the DM leaves Henry and Mackenzie unattended.

How to play D&D

Erik's been making this list for the last year, and now here it is!

1. Listen to the DM, because someday the tables will turn and I’m going to try and grapple everything that moves, and some things that don’t.
2. Cantrips and orions are 99.9% of the time worthless
3. You can never have to many healers
4. There’s always a secret door
5. Is it trapped? Yes.
6. When casting insta-death spells the monster will always save.
7. You’ll always break even, no more, no less.
8. Never read the incantation aloud.
9. Yes, the statue is alive, and so are the bodies, and so is the furniture, and for that matter so is everything else and it all wants to brutally maul you to death.
10. Size matters not.
11. Everything and everybody will betray you even if you don’t realize it.
12. 10 to 1 it’s a shapeshifter and you’ll never know it or ever will.
13. It always has one more health than you want it to have
14. An NPC can always be brought back from the dead if it appeases the plot.
15. You can always bribe em’, you just haven’t offered enough.
16. Every time you interrupt the DM’s description, not only will he start over but the next monster you fight just gained 10 more HP, go look it up, its in the rules, somewhere…
17. Just because it’s covered in crap doesn’t mean that it’s magical, and vise versa.
18. Asking nicely always counts for something, normally a cudgel to the face.
19. Your character sheet is never done, just accept it.
20. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others, and same goes for 3.5 as far as role-playing is concerned.
21. Hallways full of spider webs will always mean you will soon be ambushed by a ridiculous amount of giant spiders, that or the DM’s just messing with you…
22. Never partake in entangling alliances unless you want to get discounts on items, crazy awesome special abilities, and hoards of minions to follow your every whim.
23. Always skip the third stair.
24. The backstory is always three times as long as the one the players get
25. Depth of character will get you everywhere
26. Any more than one NPC controlled by each player makes initiative no fun
27. Breaking th fourth wall is fun if the writing is dumb.
28. The Heal check to examine Guntar is DC 20
29. When you sign up to be DM your abilty to draw circles on a map goes down the tubes
30. Never mess with the box with arms
31. Never underestimate the sheer stupidity of Kobolds
32. Call it "table-top gaming" it alienates your friends and families less

Math Section
32. XP gained =XP needed to level up – 50.
33. XP gained per monster fought = amount told on chart for monster’s Challenge Rating – the number of annoying out-of game questions you’ve asked.
34. Expected time + 1 hour + stupid babbling = time it takes to solve an obvious puzzle
35. Size of map/ time spent creating map is in an inverse relation to the time spent playing on them
36. Insurmountable odds + a hand full of unconscious party members + surviving all on your own = Priceless

Mackenzie's Fable 2 Fan Fiction?

That's right. It was 11:00 at night, I was bored, it sounded kinda funny, and here is. It has references to both Fable 2 and Fable 1 so one would have probably need to play both in order to fully appreciate it. Mackenzie Fox proudly presents...

The Tragic Horror Tale of Wally the Carriage Drivers's Adventure in Oakvale!

Wally, a carriage driver, spawned in Bloodstone one day, due to a recent massacre performed by a certain hero of the old NPCs that once walked its streets and offered certain business from its street corners. Wally thought this was a rather strange place to live, as there was no carriage in need of driving in Bloodstone. They had a boat instead, and Wally was certainly not boatsman, not after he suffered a traumatic accident involving a most magnificent tuna that wasn't quite as dead as it smelled. However, this was all pointless, in regards that Wally was no longer in Bloodstone, but now lost forever in the depths of Wraithmarsh. The same hero that had once been so fond of massacring the residents of Bloodstone, had returned one day to atone for his/her sins by playing the lute for five minutes in the center of town. Once sufficient good points had been received, no one seemed to remember their slain predecessors. It was then that the hero turned his/her attention to Wally. Seducing him with the undeniable humor of the sock puppets, Wally agreed to follow this hero into Wraithmarsh, where the hero then grew bored of him, dismissed him, and left him in the predicament he now finds himself in.

Wally crept through the dark, foggy swampland of Wraithmarsh, alone and fearful, when suddenly he came upon the remains of an ancient village. Before it lied a tattered sign that addressed the site as Oakvale. Wally looked at the village and quickly observed it to be flooded. It would take at least two balverines and a reasonably sized hobbe to get him to go in there, for beneath its waters, tuna could be waiting, plotting against him, waiting for the chance to strike. As Wally turned to leave, a balverine suddenly jumped down from a tree. "Oh, woe is me!" cried Wally the carriage driver, "Today I will surely die! At least it will not be by the slippery claw of the evil tuna!" But then, another balverine and a hobbe jumped down from a different tree. "Oh even more woe am I!" sobbed Wally, "I will surely suffer a painful demise, but that hobbe looks rather small, so I will take my chances and not risk the encounter with the dreaded tuna!" But then, suddenly, the hobbe grew three times its size! "Fate does curse me, indeed!" wailed Wally, "This is too much. Be ready tuna! Here I come!" Then Wally dove into the waters surrounding the rotten houses. Wally swam further and further into Oakvale, and the further he went, the more and more he expected the dreaded tuna to strike, but the tuna didn't strike. Wally pulled himself from the water onto the roof of an old barn and tried to catch his breath, when a dreadful chill ran down his spine. He spun around to see a horrific apparition standing behind him. What dreadful spirit could this be he wondered as he stared into its heartless eyes. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and his bones grew could. The spirit open is incorporeal mouth and spoke with a voice that could strike fear into the hearts of the bravest warriors. It stared into Wally's very soul and questioned, "Are you just gonna stand there like a lemon?"

Jesus Foot (this picture is pretty old)

Jeremy after duct tape-ification

The Complete Eberron Quote list

1. Henry: "I wanna grab the midget and stick him in the poop pipe."
2. Mackenzie: "I am blinded by the blackness of my hand."
3. Will: "Quick, lets corner him!"
Mackenzie: "The cat or the pizza guy?" (Pizza guy overhears)
4. Erik: "Can you use a heavy mace?"
Mackenzie: "I could, but I take major bonuses."
5. Mackenzie: "Seven plus four is eleven!"
Henry: "YEAH!"
6. *Kara falls* (note: this is a member of the party)
Henry: "Do we get attacks of opportunity?"
Erik: "Yes, if you want to."
*Henry rolls natural 20, attack goes through*
7. Mackenzie: "So, we win if we kill the DM."
8. Will: "What should we name him?" (referring to imaginary baby)
*Imitates magic skittles touch from that commercial, you know the one*
Will: "SKITTLES!"
9. Will: "If I go inert, you need to save me."
Mackenzie: "I could rub oils on you."
10. Erik: "It looks like an animated potato."
11. Mackenzie/Henry: "My good man...", "My good sir...","My good chum..." (over and over again)
12. Erik: "And for Kara..."
Will: "Princess Leia outfit!"
13. Erik: "It tastes like a burning cow caught on fire!"
14. Mackenzie: "I want to begin throwing the bodies off the roof while singing It's Raining Men."
15. Henry: "I haven't gone to the bathroom in four years!"
16. Henry: "What was just thrown at me?"
Will: "A ninja."
Henry: "Why can't I find it?"
Will/Mackenzie: "Because its a ninja!"
17. Henry: "Coffin hopping: A game to play in a cemetary!"
18. Mackenzie: "As Lucan falls he says: I just wanted to be a real boy."
19. Mackenzie: "Guess what! First black president!"
*sets down one dollar bill with black George Washington*
20. Mackenzie: "Does this boat have turrets on it?"
Henry: "Why would it have turrets?"
Mackenzie: "To fight off fish."
21. *Some lady kills an undead by healing*
Henry: She was all like heal (hiel)! *Nazi salutes*
22. Mackenzie: "We could cut off his head and carry it with us so we could be like: look, your leader is with us."
23. Mackenzie: "Under that two there was a three!"
24. Erik: "Intelligence just blew up in a column of flame."
Mackenzie: "But its cool because its on fire."
25. Jeremy: "But you can't make [swords] out of mind purple."
26. Jeremy: "Wait, damage gets added to damage, right?"
27. Will: "Where do they go the bathroom?"
*Mackenzie points at area covered by Players Handbook 2*
Henry: "Players Handbook?"
Erik: "Number two."
28. Henry: "Get that ninja off me. I'm tripping balls!"
29. Mackenzie: "And that is how I discovered I could see the future."
30. Mackenzie: "Henry's dad will kick in the door and it will fly off its hinges and smash through that big window. Then all the papers will be sucked out the window and Will and I and Henry will get sucked out into a giant vortex in the sky. And then Henry's dad will come in and shout: You're going to live! Live! Live, God dammit! And he'll beat Erik in the chest and he'll come back to life."
31. Ethan: "You can just build a new [homonculus]."
Will: "We could build a new you."
Mackenzie: "We could make him better, faster, stronger!"
Will: "Cue Darth Vader sequence."
32. Erik: "Jeremy, you're under attack!"
Jeremy: "It doesn't work!"
33. Jeremy: "Why do firey creatures get pluses t o charisma?"
Ethan: "Because they're hot."
34. Ethan: "Can my wolf rape? Like as a trick?"
Erik: "How would you even teach it that?"
Mackenzie: "Have you seen Dog PWNS kid?"
35. Henry: "New Super Mario Bros Wii has an awesome ending."
Mackenzie: "I'm sorry Mario, but our princess is in another game. Buy New Super Mario Bros 2!"
36. Mackenize: *puts bread on bolt* "Its OK. I'll shoot it in the mouth and it will be like: mmmm... bread. I will show you the way."
37. Will: "How does he look?"
Mackenzie: "Does he have a mouth big enough to handle the awesome taste of honey comb?"
38. Mackenzie: "I am sorry miss, but you are mistaken. We are but simple..."
Will: "Lizard folk!"
Mackenzie: "Yes, we are but simple lizard folk."
39. Erik: "Dude, some pretzels. Let's make a badger."
40. Mackenzie: "My mom has a meat smashing hammer for smashing meat."
Will: "I wouldn't want her to smash my meat."
41. Everyone (except Erik and Ethan): "Let the sun shine! Let the sun shine in. The sun shine in.
42. Will: "Do you have anything against glow sticks? No? You're hired."
43. Mackenzie: "No, Luke, You soy tu padre!"
"Noooooooooooo! Es impossible!"
44. Mackenzie (with ring of duct tape on head): "Aeeeurghaaah!"
Henry (with winner medal on head): "Ureuuurgheah!"
45. Jeremy: "OK, I want to build a hang-glider."
46. Erik: "It's nine o'clock in the morning."
Ethan (referring to Mackenzie): "And you're drunk?!"
47. Will (referring to his herring): "It will help in a diplomatic debate. I'll just whip it out and be like, herring! And he'll just be like, take my kingdom!"
48. Erik: "You look in the barrel and see a lot of rotten cod."
Henry: "I'm like, what the fuck? Where are the pirates?"
49. Henry (referring to Mackenzie): "I want to convince him that gravity works again."
(Henry rolls, Mackenzie saves)
Mackenzie: "LIES!"
50. Mackenzie: "Where were we last? I remember getting drunk in a pirate town, but..."
51. Mackenzie (referring to his packmate, Watson): "He's boxing. Buh-dun-tsh!"
Erik: "Wow, it took you several months to say that."
52. Erik: "Ok. You need to find a map."
Will: "Lets look in the backpack."
Will + Ethan (bursts into song): "Backpack! Backpack!"
53. Erik:"What are you doing with my book of the mormons?!"
Mackenzie: "I'm trying to catch a mormon! I just need to lure one out."
54. (Maximus loses in arm wrestling to drunken kobold. Maximus punches Kobold in rage. Zanfer tries to heal the kobold. Kara apologizes. Mackenzie walks to the guards.)
Mackenzie: "Wanna see a drunk lizard?"
55. Henry: "E-1"
Erik: "You sunk my battleship!"
(Thunder booms)
56. (while playing Risk) Mackenzie to Henry: "I'll trade you a potato chip for Madagascar."
57. Henry: "Wanna buy an onion ring? 500 gold."
Ethan: "485"
Henry: "Sold. Hey, Mackenzie, wanna buy an onion ring? 100 gold."
58. Erik (playing Mario Kart Double Dash): "Hit him! Hit Him!"
Henry (also playing): "We're not along side him!"
Erik: "Not in-game! Out of game!"
(Henry then commences beating Ethan, Player 3)
59. Mackenzie (referring to his america popsicle): "Mine tastes like a flag"
60. Ethan: "My stomach hurts."
Erik: "Do you want some tums... because they're 50 gold a piece."
61. (Playing so that we have to eat 1 candy heart, that taste like ass, per 2 damage)
Ethan: "This is worse than pain!"
Erik: "God, this hurts! This is so bad!"
62. Erik (Sniffing candy hearts) "I thinks that's what care-bear blood smells like."
63. Erik: "This hurts in weird places."
64. Mackenzie: "Fear the ghost of warrior pope!"
65. Mackenzie (referring to Toy Story 3 trailer): "Who's that adult in Andy's room? Gasp! Pedophile!"
66. Erik: "Now, may I ask you, good adventurers, what will you do now?"
Mackenzie: "We're going to Disney World!"
67. Mackenzie: "Its like Warrior Within but with less leather and fan service."
Erik: "Very good. DM awards you three mana for using a solid quote."
68. Will: "I could fight Helen Keller."
69. Henry: "I'm getting Jesus dust all over your guitar."
70. Erik: "Come on guys! There's always a bomb on the door!"
Mackenzie: "Its a good thing I'm on the roof."
71. Henry: "You're very noble."
Mackenzie: "Damn straight."
72. Henry: "You want to get your stomach ripped out again?"
Mackenzie: "You don't have the strength this time!"
73. Mackenzie: "This belt ain't big enough for the two of us."
*stretches out elastic belt*
Mackenzie: "Now it is."
74. Demitri: "Uh, guys, I think I'm about to die here."
Erik: "Oh ho ho! Famous last words!"
74. Mackenzie: "I thought Jesus was one of those kids where Abraham would be like: Come on Jesus, we're going to the zoo. And he'd be like: No, I wanna go to the aquarium!
75. Ethan: "I'm butt-mashing right now."
76. Mackenzie (rambling about a Wrinkle in Time): "Why was there a giant brain that liked ice cream, but only a certain flavor?"
77. Henry: "You're in some deep shit."
Mackenzie: "Nah, those are centipedes."
78. Will: "I can't fit in a bucket anymore."
Mackenzie: "Dude, that sucks."

The Eberron Quests were a great time filled with much breaking of the fourth wall, distractions of the DM, and random spews of often un-sensible references. May their glory live on.

Waffle Monster

IT HAS BEEN OVER TWO YEARS SINCE I LAST POSTED!

RAH! WAFFLE MONSTER!

My very weird story

I told this story via AIM so it originally looked like this:

mackenzie0909 (11:33:27 PM): hello

Auto response from AttackOfMuffins2: I am online, but may be away from my computer right now.

mackenzie0909 (11:42:18 PM): hey! That is not nice! Why the hell are you online, but away from the computer at  11:34 at night, really?! Well anyway, I got boried so if this message seems to be long then that may be cause. Now I am going to write down a very long story. Enjoy! 

                                   The World's Greastest Story

                                          By Mackenzie Fox

    There once was a old farmer named bob. Bob was a straight up G. Bob's best friend was a goat. One horrible day Bob forgot to feed his goat. This made the goat angry. The goat decided to teach Bob a lesson, so the goat snuck into bob's house ,while bob was passed out on 13 different drugs at once, and ate off all of bob's fingers. Bob awoke in shock the next day to find he had no fingers. 

mackenzie0909 (11:48:06 PM): However, the goat had written a message explaining why he ate bob' fingers on the wall using bob's blood. This mad Bob very upset. "Ohno!", screamed bob. "Now how will I be a farmer. And to make things worse I don't have health insurance!" Soon, bob had ploted his revenge. That night ,while the goat was passed out on 13 different drugs he stole from bob's house, bob wrapped his arms around the goat and shoved him into a paper shreader.

mackenzie0909 (11:52:50 PM): Then Bob fried up the stripes of goat meat into bacon and sold it for $1000000000000000000000000000.00  to Donald Trump. But, the goat's ghost was angry so one night, while the farmer was passed out on 13 different drugs that he took back from the goat, the goat's ghost came to bob's house and shot him. Bob then died. Two weeks later bob's grandson, Bob III, inhereted all of bob's money and lived happily ever after.

mackenzie0909 (11:53:39 PM):                                               The End

       The moral to this story is dont forget to feed your pets.